Day one of my effort to write everyday, for at least 15 minutes:

Talked with my mom last night.  I’m so tired of seeing her struggle financially.  When one struggles their whole life with something, how can they turn it around?  Is it really in their power?  We need help from others – opportunities & support.  Where would I be if I didn’t have a safe home growing up?  What kind of mental state would I be in without emotionally grounded and financially stable parents?  Makes you sympathetic to homeless people; you don’t know someone’s story.

I feel so angry because I don’t know what I can do to help my mom, to help myself.  My entire family has struggled with money our whole lives.  It’s difficult sometimes to imagine us wealthy, because I’ve never experienced such an emotion or state of being.  It just seems so hard to believe.  I guess one could compare it to a fat person becoming skinny.  But, I immediately object – there is a basic understanding of how to lose weight – eat healthy and exercise.  I know there are gimmicks out there trying to sucker people out of their money through fad diets and fad weight machines, but for the most part, most people know that in order to lose weight, they just have to put in the work of eating right and exercising regularly.  Not so with money.  It seems there is an orgy of misleading information out there, trying even harder to sucker people out of their money.  Stay-at-home mom schemes, owning your own businesses schemes, blah blah blah.  It’s hard to know which one to trust, and who to trust.

Am I complaining?  A bit.  But I’m also a highly analytical person, so I feel I’m also searching for reasons how I got where i am, in order to better understand how to get myself out of it.  Is that so wrong?

I admit, I feel complaining is an old habit, as I used to do it a lot when I was younger. Seeing everyone around me in a better financial situation didn’t help matters.  “It’s all their fault!  My environment, my peers, my (lack of) mentors!”, I feel like screaming.  Point that finger.

What actions to take?  How to enjoy the journey at the same time?  How can one enjoy being poor?  I know they say you don’t have to have money in order to be happy.  But whoever says that apparently hasn’t had to live without money for a prolonged period.  Am I making excuses again?  Yes, I’m angry.  I’m angry that some people have to struggle financially, health-wise, etc, while others do not.  It’s not fair.  It’s not just.  “So what?”, a wise person might say.  “Go out there and be the change you want to see in the world”.  I’m trying.  I really am.  But the problem is, I haven’t seen or felt progress, and that can be one of the most debilitating feelings I’ve ever known.

What actions to take.  I want someone to tell me, to guide me.  I’m so tired of running into walls.  Not because I’m afraid of failure – I got over that recently – but because it seems like with money, every time you “fail”, you’re in a worse off situation than before, and life really does get more difficult due to lack of money.  How does one keep positive in such instances?  It’s funny how I often feel like my family and I are alone in our struggles, when I know there are tons of others in far worse situations than us.  But still, that hasn’t helped ease my pain for a while now…

Action.  What actions can downtrodden people take?  Where do we turn for support?  For a safe, stable haven?

Even if I am complaining, I debate whether I should “get it all out”, or just stop doing it.  I know that before, complaining wasn’t helping me progress closer to my goals, but now, I feel I’m just analyzing the reasons why I’m not moving fast enough or hardly at all, towards my goals.