Tag Archive: struggle


Last week I said I would do the following:

  1. Tap for better sleep
  2. Find and reach out to at least ONE website centered on film/movies, and offer my awesome writing services
  3. Diversify my writing portfolio every day

Ever since the weekend, where I just took it easy, I’ve been able to sleep a lot better.  Mom got me melatonin and suggested that I take up to 5 grams, since past dosages haven’t been effective.  So, I’m actually going to try that tonight.  Good sleep is the foundation of sanity, I’m finding.

Found and reached out to at least 10 movie websites yesterday, so I feel pretty good about that.  I always get excited when I come across really well-designed movie websites.  Hopefully a great one will want to work with me.

Have not been diversifying my writing portfolio; I guess I’ve put that on the back burner since I decided a few days ago that it was more important to apply for jobs everyday.  So I’ve been incorporating applying for jobs into my daily morning routine.  I find it difficult to add writing to my morning routine, which already consists of a 45-min workout and showering and chanting (this takes a little over an hour).

OK, tomorrow I need to do one of those Weekly Writing prompts – get the ball rolling.

Next week:

  1. Diversify my writing portfolio by doing a Weekly Writing prompt at least one day a week
  2. Search for jobs on craigslist everyday and apply to at least 3
  3. Find and reach out to at least ONE website centered on film/movies, and offer my awesome writing services

15 min writing

Day one of my effort to write everyday, for at least 15 minutes:

Talked with my mom last night.  I’m so tired of seeing her struggle financially.  When one struggles their whole life with something, how can they turn it around?  Is it really in their power?  We need help from others – opportunities & support.  Where would I be if I didn’t have a safe home growing up?  What kind of mental state would I be in without emotionally grounded and financially stable parents?  Makes you sympathetic to homeless people; you don’t know someone’s story.

I feel so angry because I don’t know what I can do to help my mom, to help myself.  My entire family has struggled with money our whole lives.  It’s difficult sometimes to imagine us wealthy, because I’ve never experienced such an emotion or state of being.  It just seems so hard to believe.  I guess one could compare it to a fat person becoming skinny.  But, I immediately object – there is a basic understanding of how to lose weight – eat healthy and exercise.  I know there are gimmicks out there trying to sucker people out of their money through fad diets and fad weight machines, but for the most part, most people know that in order to lose weight, they just have to put in the work of eating right and exercising regularly.  Not so with money.  It seems there is an orgy of misleading information out there, trying even harder to sucker people out of their money.  Stay-at-home mom schemes, owning your own businesses schemes, blah blah blah.  It’s hard to know which one to trust, and who to trust.

Am I complaining?  A bit.  But I’m also a highly analytical person, so I feel I’m also searching for reasons how I got where i am, in order to better understand how to get myself out of it.  Is that so wrong?

I admit, I feel complaining is an old habit, as I used to do it a lot when I was younger. Seeing everyone around me in a better financial situation didn’t help matters.  “It’s all their fault!  My environment, my peers, my (lack of) mentors!”, I feel like screaming.  Point that finger.

What actions to take?  How to enjoy the journey at the same time?  How can one enjoy being poor?  I know they say you don’t have to have money in order to be happy.  But whoever says that apparently hasn’t had to live without money for a prolonged period.  Am I making excuses again?  Yes, I’m angry.  I’m angry that some people have to struggle financially, health-wise, etc, while others do not.  It’s not fair.  It’s not just.  “So what?”, a wise person might say.  “Go out there and be the change you want to see in the world”.  I’m trying.  I really am.  But the problem is, I haven’t seen or felt progress, and that can be one of the most debilitating feelings I’ve ever known.

What actions to take.  I want someone to tell me, to guide me.  I’m so tired of running into walls.  Not because I’m afraid of failure – I got over that recently – but because it seems like with money, every time you “fail”, you’re in a worse off situation than before, and life really does get more difficult due to lack of money.  How does one keep positive in such instances?  It’s funny how I often feel like my family and I are alone in our struggles, when I know there are tons of others in far worse situations than us.  But still, that hasn’t helped ease my pain for a while now…

Action.  What actions can downtrodden people take?  Where do we turn for support?  For a safe, stable haven?

Even if I am complaining, I debate whether I should “get it all out”, or just stop doing it.  I know that before, complaining wasn’t helping me progress closer to my goals, but now, I feel I’m just analyzing the reasons why I’m not moving fast enough or hardly at all, towards my goals.

Body Sculpting – Week 45

Last week I said I would do the following:

  1. Do full body workout before & after meals
  2. Continually be on the lookout for a 20-lbs kettlebell
  3. Replace white carbs with beans
  4. Do myotatic crunch & cat vomit exercise 2X/week
  5. Add kettlebell routine before breakfast, 3X/week
  6. Do one of two love handles workouts from Kozak Sports Perform 2-3 days after core workout

To be honest, these past two weeks have been one of the lower points in my life.  Instead of progressing towards a 6-pack, I seemed to have backtracked; I noticed my love handles and tummy were a bit bigger.  Probably the most annoying thing about progressing in fitness is that it takes so long (4-6 weeks) to see results.  So, you could be constantly changing your workout routine for over a year before you actually see desired results.  I guess that’s what I’ve been doing since I started successfully losing weight in 2009.  But, at least I was seeing progress.  Perhaps this is just a low point on my steadily upward-spiraling graph of success.

Regardless, everything seems to feel more heavy when you don’t have an income.  I equate lack of income with failing at life.

Seems that eating as many beans as you want doesn’t really help with fat loss/muscle gain.  I suspect it might be because I’ve gone back to eating three meals per day.  So yesterday I started eating four meals per day.

I’m at a loss for what to do now.  I’ve researched how to get a body like Zac Efron – slim & toned – and basically learned that high weight, low rep strength training plays a critical role.  That, and a high-protein diet.

Today I took a break from working out, because I’ve read that one should take at least one day of rest.  I don’t know.  I don’t know anymore.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m discouraged by all the fake, misleading spam shit on the internet promising to give you 6-pack abs.  I feel so immobilized as a result.

I realize this is a depressing post, and I debated whether or not to post it or talk about something else.  I think it’s important to showcase all aspects of a journey, including struggle and hardship.  For the first time since I started this blog, I’m at a loss for actions to take.  I figure dividing my lunch meal into two smaller meals will greatly help me increase my metabolism.  I’m also going to do pullups every other day, as I noticed that really helped strengthen my back and broaden my shoulders.

Next week:

  1. Do full body workout before & after meals
  2. Continually be on the lookout for a 20-lbs kettlebell
  3. Eat 4-5 meals per day
  4. Do myotatic crunch & cat vomit exercise 2X/week
  5. Add kettlebell routine before breakfast, 3X/week
  6. Do one of two love handles workouts from Kozak Sports Perform 2-3 days after core workout
  7. Do pullups every other day